Welcome to part two of my warrior journey through 2019.

Starting my new job as finance assistant was an adventure all on its own. I had next to no experience with everything that I was learning: insurance, banks, paperwork and more. I was learning everything from scratch and learning a whole new group of 30-40 people who would become my daily co-workers. One of the things I remember most from my first day was when I was on my way home after a long day, feeling excited, tired, and satisfied with everything I had accomplished when my boss texted me. It was a simple message asking how my day went and apologizing that he didn’t get a chance to check in with me before I left for the day. But he wanted to make sure everything went well. I broke down in the car and started to cry tears of thankfulness. I had never experienced a boss who actually cared enough to ask me something so simple and it filled me with such relief and hope for the future. 

I have a tendency to pick up things quickly, so it wasn’t long before they concluded my training and set me on my own. I was nervous about that too, but my bosses were amazing and still are about answering questions and they were incredibly patient with me as I blundered through many things and tried hard to learn. 

I was hired in right before the busy season got fully underway, so to say that I was overwhelmed was an understatement. As business revved up, so did my need to please and my desire to do everything perfect. Looking back now, I see how unhealthy it all was, but the thought patterns instilled in me at my old job followed and haunted me at my new one. I scrambled around, getting my work done and doing a really good job, but constantly feeling out of breath, dizzy at times, nervous and . . . for lack of a better word, stressed. So much stress over things that really shouldn’t have caused that much. My bosses told me multiple times that it was okay and not to stress about the sundry little things I was freaking out over, but I was so driven to never mess up and still living under the fear of failure and the repercussions and responses I was expecting to receive. 

The beginning of June, I had a bit of a wakeup call. I had been living in this constant state of anxiety and I didn’t really realize how bad it was until one day when I all but lost it. I was at work and everything piled up at once right when I was trying to get out the door and I probably had what was close to a panic attack. I didn’t see it as that at first and by all standards, it was probably pretty mild considering what I know some people deal with. But I was out of breath, was dizzy, and started struggling to get words out. It was a struggle to be coherent, which frustrated me even more as I fought to get the words out. It was bad enough in my opinion, that I ended up texting my boss after I left to apologize for getting so worked up about it. And he responded with something that for some reason hadn’t even crossed my mind until that point.

 “Nothing is earth shattering.”

It was like a bomb went off in my head. I was humbled and dumbfounded by the realization that I was treating everything like an earth-shattering crisis and that I was paying for it physically, spiritually and mentally. That “panic attack” I had that day really shook me awake and I realized that me, the girl who thought I would never have anxiety or depression was dealing with it in a very real and scary way. 

Half the battle is recognizing it. 

After some time spent in tearful conversation (more like floods of tears) much prayer and some removal and rebuking of the enemy in his attempt to take me down with this, I soldiered on, determined to not let this win and to return to a normal that didn’t involve freaking out or being stressed all the time. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy road, but something must be done. It was not okay to live like this. 

I wish I could say that I lived perfectly stress free the rest of the year, but that is not the case. I did recognize a huge difference the day after that and I believe that it was mainly due to recognizing and then declaring and taking back from the enemy the ground that he had gained from me. But peace and stillness was my battle and I was going to fight hard. 

It took months to reach the point that I am at now, and I still struggle sometimes with getting stressed out. Who doesn’t? But I am happy to report that I have gotten to a place where I can live my life without constantly being on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have peace. I can live out each day at work and at home without being out of breath and dizzy from my efforts to prove something. 

Being a warrior in the area of stress and anxiety was not something I would have asked for or anything I could have imagined having to deal with, but I am grateful that through it all, my family and more importantly, the Lord was with me through it all. I’d love to share some of the things in my life that the Lord has used to draw me closer to him and instill a spirit of peace and calmness over my life. It’s not something that came naturally. There were many things that I did in the midst of mini nervous breakdowns that I would do to remain calm and bring myself back to a place of peace. I’ll be happy to share these things with you in an upcoming post. 

I hope this post was an encouragement to you. Even though it was just me telling you my story, I prayed really hard about telling it and I felt like the Lord said it was time. If you struggle with anxiety, fear, and stress, I would love to pray for you and encourage you. Those things do not have to be your master and though the power of Christ, I am here to tell you that they do not have to be your constant companions through life. We have victory through Christ and through what He did for us on the cross. I believe that His purpose for us is to live always in His peace and not have to live in anxiety or fear. Does that mean we start doing it perfectly overnight? Of course not. But He is there with open arms and an open heart to love on us graciously through our mistakes. 

Blessings,